Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Learning slowly

Things are never what they seem. After two dreadful nights sleeping separately, with, to quote Bruce Springsteen,‘ a freight train running through the middle of my head’, and a stomach churning with anxiety and distress, The Lodger and I are back on.

What do you do when life throws something unexpected at you? I certainly wasn’t expecting a paying guest to become a lover, and a friend. And recently out of a marriage I’m sure it was the last thing he was expecting as well.

So, I have learnt to relax, and chill. I have had it with stressful relationships. I have learnt to take it one day at a time, that the less you expect, the more you receive, and the more you value what you have. I have spent years in relationships worrying needlessly, when things have a way of working themselves out anyway.

Things are good, I have no idea where they are heading, but I am attempting to,live life with grace and calmness, one day at a time, and it feels good.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The interference of feelings

Somewhere along the line during the last month I have fallen from being smitten to being bemused, besotted and finally, broken. Yes, I fell totally for the lodger. I have spent the last four weeks with a man in my bed who has made me laugh, think, eat and drink, and it has been bliss.

Unfortunately we are not in the same place, recently single he is in no way ready to leap into another relationship. And I would be deeply wary of anyone who was. But it seems that I appear to want more than he does, and perhaps I do. Not today, not this month, but maybe later, when he is ready. Sadly today my growing feelings have made him feel cornered, he has withdrawn, and I am left feeling confused and abandoned.

It seems after one marriage, one great love and numerous short-term relationships I still understand very little about men. However I do know that I am best to look after myself, continue to live well, live in the moment, and be positive about all that I do have. But it still hurts, and even though he remains under the same roof I miss him madly.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Teenager

Despite it now being five months since the teenager set off on her Grand Adventure, I feel very much like a part of her is still very close to home. It doesn’t really change that much. Instead of receiving calls asking what’s for dinner and what time will you be home, or can you pick me up/drop me off, now I get texts and emails, a sample of which are below, they arrive at all hours. It’s astonishing really.

• I can’t check into my hostel for four hours, can you Google where I can leave my bags?
• I’m lost; can you tell me where I am?
• I love you.
• The train lurched whilst I was peeing and I slipped on the seat, will I get Aids?
• I’ve lost my bankcard and have no money.
• What’s Western Union, stop talking about it, I don’t know what you mean.
• Thanks for sending the money through Western Union.
• Can you please stop texting me, it’s costing me too much money.
• Why don’t you text me, don’t you care?
• How many calories in a sweet potato, can you please Google it?
• What thank you present should I buy great aunt P for having me? (3.50 am)
• There’s no florist near here. (4.00 am)
• Sorry for waking you. (4.40 am)
• I don’t have my new pin number, and have no money. (3.25 am)
• The bank has given me an advance, I’m ok. (4.15 am)
• Sorry to wake you, I love you. (5.00 am)
• Skype me now. You look tired, what have you been doing?

I am exhausted.